When Pigs Fly
by Shinagami
Summary: Basically a bunch of anime characters run amok pg-13 for excessive use of Glock 19s and vodka
1. It's alive!

****

When Pigs Fly 

Part one: It's Alive!

It was another fine day at the Winner mansion, the birds were chirping, the chipmunks were scampering, but in the kitchen lurked something so evil, so vile it could drop an ox from 50 meters. Releena was cooking...again.

Releena: Dum de dum, dum. What a fine morning! Oops! There goes the omelets! *Fire alarm starts to beep_*_

Fire alarm: Bee-eep! Bee-eep! Bee-eep!

Duo steps out of his room and rubs the sleep from his eyes, then notices a thick black smoke coming from the kitchen, or what _was _the kitchen, now a smoldering pile of cinders.

Duo: What the shit is goin' on?!!

Trowa opens his door.

Trowa: Not again.

The rest of the doors open and various Gundam pilots step out.

Quattra: Stop drop roll! Stop drop roll! *Rolls into the kitchen_*_

Heero's door opens and a girl with black hair runs out screaming.

Girl: Fire! Fire!

Trowa: This all seems vaguely familiar... 

Heero grumbly walks into the remains of the kitchen and puts out some black crispy stuff that was on fire.

Releena: You saved me! I love you- *Stops and sees black-haired girl holding on to Heero*

Girl: Oh Heero! Your so brave!

Heero,noticing everyone staring at him: Uh, thanks, I guess.

Releena: Wh-who is _that?_ *Cheek starts to twitch*

Duo: Your in trouble this time! *gets elbowed by Trowa*

Heero: Uh, no one in particular...

Girl: Oh, and thanks for taking me lingerie shopping Heero! 

*Releena's face goes blue, then red*

Heero: Uh I can explain....It's Duo's fault, really!

Duo: Sorry dude, can't pin this on me. *snickers*

Trowa: It _was _your fault Duo.

*Duo sweat drops*

Heero: He made us go to a strip club last night to 'loosen up'.

*Releena glares at Duo*

Duo: He's lying...I swear! Can I call my attorney?

Releena: You accuse my Heero of LYING! HOW DARE YOU!! *starts to grow even redder*

Quattra: Excuse me, but what is your name miss? 

Girl: My name is Minmay. Nice to meet you. *smiles*

Releena looks at the goofy expression on Heero's face and throws Minmay out the window.

Releena: Anyway, I made breakfast! *Frowns when she hears various groans*

Now go sit down before it gets cold!

Duo, under his breath: Don't think w need to worry about it being cold.

Releena comes back in with a tray full of charcoal, I mean breakfast and sets it on the table.

Releena: Now eat up!

Everyone stars at the food, then at each other.

Heero: Uh, no offense..

Releena: Yes Heero-chan?

Heero: Uh, how did this all happen?

Releena: Oh, well first I was making diner..

Duo: Breakfast.

Releena: Breakfast, when all of a sudden the eggs caught fire. So I tried to put it out with paper towels when _those _caught fire.. 

Wufie who has been silent all this time grunts after hearing _that_. 

Releena: So then I poured some water on it to put it out...

Heero groans: That water wouldn't have come from that bucket outside would it?

Releena: Why yes it did!

Heero groans some more: That was last nights oven grease.

Releena: So _that _explains the explosion...

About that time elsewhere in the city some other people were having breakfast.

Gene: Bet I can eat more than you can pal.

Goku: You're on!

Both men start to eat furiously.

Jim: Gene! We don't have time for this! We need to find the leyline.. Are you paying attention?

Krilin: I don't think so, by the way... what's a leyline?

Chi-Chi walks in and sees Goku eating all the food for the breakfast party.

Chi-Chi: STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!!

Goku stops, but Gene continues on.

Gene: Chew, chew, gobble, mnfgdl!

Jim thwacks Gene over the head.

Chi-Chi: You two pigs go away! I need to prepare!

Elsewhere again...

Rick: Test commencing for the new Valkerie prototype!

The jet takes off and does some fancy maneuvers, then changes into a giant robot.

Around that time a familiar looking mech rips and angel apart. Then it spots Rick's Valkerie in Gerwalk mode.

Asuka: That must be some new type of angel! I'll get it!

Rick spots the insane looking beast-mech approaching him and fires his cannon at the thing.

Rick: You bastard alien! DIE!!

Asuka: It talks! this one's different! better use the *da-da-da-da-ta-da* Lance of Longinus-onginus-nus-nus!

Rick: What's a Longinus?

Asuka chucks the lance at Rick's mech. Rick dodges it. The spear hurdles through a passing 747.

On that particular 747 was Zechs.

Passengers: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Zechs heads to the cockpit and takes control of the plane, landing it safely.

Zechs: What the hell? Two battling mechs must mean one thing...TIME TO PARTY!! *gets Tallgeese and whoops up on both mechs*

Zechs: My hands are stained with blood and whatever.. goo was inside that red monster thingy. I must avenge my country and fight for peace and... *stopped by Noin*

Noin: You already avenged your country, and your hands are clean.

Zechs: Grumble, grumble....

Rick climbs out of the smoldering wreckage of his Valkerie and Asuka lies prone on the ground, little tiny Tallgeeses circling her head.

Meanwhile somewhere else _again._

Tenchi: This breakfast is good Sasami!

Ryoko: But what about my cooking Tenchi?

Tenchi: Uh, not now...

Ayeka: Scram you old mummy woman, Lord Tenchi, please allow my too banish that demon right now!

Yosho: Sorry, no banishing at the table.

Sasami: I added a special ingredient to the eggs! Kairaishi! Now Tenchi will do whatever I tell him too!

Ryoko and Ayeka: Marry me Tenchi! *they both snap*

Tenchi: Suddenly I feel as if I have to marry someone named Me.

Sasami: Haha! No ones name is Me!

Washu: Backfired, serves you right!

Ryoko: Where did you get that Kairaishi?

Sasami: At a place called Cat Cafe. Why?

By then Ryoko is gone off to the city.

Azaka! Kamadake! We're going to the city!

Azaka and Kamadake: Yes ma'am!

Meanwhile at the Winner mansion, Quattra has been knocked out by Releena's crap.

Heero: Told you. Pay up.

Duo: No fair! Quattra's a wimp of course he passed out!

Heero: Omea o Korosu!

Duo: Here you go! *hands Heero the wad of bills*

They all hear the sound of vernier engines and see Tallgeese land in the front yard, right on top of Wufie's garden shrine.

Wufie: YOU TRADER BASTARD!!*draws his katana and hacks away at Tallgesees leg*

Tallgeese kneels and it's right knee squashes Wufie. The hatch opens and Zechs exits.

Meanwhile at Goku's house...

Jim: C'mon you big idiot! Let's go!

Gene, who's drunk: Uh, okay?

they get inside the Outlaw Star and zigzag away.

Meanwhile again..

Rick: Commencing test on second Valkerie prototype...

The jet takes off again and is immediately side swiped by a drunkenly Outlaw Star.

Both planes careen out off the sky and fall on the Winner mansion.

After the dust settles everyone looks around until they spot Gene.

Everyone: Get him!

Just as the angry mob reaches the cowering Gene and red rose slices through the air and impales Quattra through the arm. A caped guy lands on the floor.

*Funky music starts to play*

Caped Guy: Drunks are for the amusement of the people and should not be beaten! I am Tuxedo Mask! Protect his pure heart Sailor Moon! 

Gundam pilots and everyone look around baffled.

*Tuxedo Fag, I mean, Mask looks around*

Tuxedo Mask: Uh, Is this Dr. Tomo's mansion?

Heero: Omea o Korosu! *Points gun* 

Duo: Hey, put that down Psycho! Uh, look Tux, can I call you Tux?

Tuxedo Mask: No

Dou: Anyway Tux... This is the Winner mansion, Tomo lives three blocks down.

Meanwhile at Tomo's mansion

Sailor Moon: Oh no! We're in danger! Tuxedo mask should be here any second. * Heart villains move in for the kill*

Back at the Winner mansion...

Tux: Well I'll be on my wa- *gets shot in the back by Heero*

Rick: I gotta get back to my base...bye by- *sees Minmay holding on to Heero*

YOU THIEVING BASTARD! YOU DARE TOUCH MY MINMAY!! * attempts to chase Heero, but gets shot in the arm*

Rick: Owwwwwwwwwwww! MY ARM HURTS! 

Quattra: MINE HURTS WORSE!!!

Heero: Dammit, I missed.

At that moment two Evas appeared in the formerly-know-as-mansion's yard.

Asuka: That's him! The crazy idiot who trashed my Eva!

Zechs: It's that girl! I thought I finished you!

Shinji: I'll kill you for that sex!

Zechs: My name is Zechs! ZECHS!

Shinji: Whatever, DIE!!

Heero, stopping the Eva before it stomps Zechs: HOLD IT! No one kills Zechs but me!!

Just then Goku and Vegeta fighting Cell crashed into the debris of the Winner mansion.

Cell: Hmmmm, what an interesting situation!

Goku: Kaaaaameee..

Cell: Let's make a tournament out of this! All 'mech' pilots are free to enter!

Goku: AAAAAAMMMMMEEEEEEE!!!

All mech pilots: Yeah! great idea!

Goku, pointing his hands down at Cell and the Winner debris: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! 

A blue flash lights up the sky over Tokyo...

Everyone stands in the even more destroyed house of Quattra's.

Quattra: My arm! My house! My teddy bear collection! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Cell thumps Quattra's forehead and send him flying to Okinawa.

Meanwhile at Tenchi's house....

Tenchi: I must Go! I must marry the one named Me!

Ayeka: Lord Tenchi, don't you now my maiden name is Me?

Ryoko pushes Ayeka through a wall and snuggles up next to him.

Ryoko: Tenchi, My name is Me! Really! It's Ryoko Me!

Tenchi sighs and heads out the door, searching for Me. Suddenly he hears a faint but growing scream.

Screaming guy: aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

A blond boy falls into Tenchi's arms.

They look at each other for a moment. 

Tenchi: Who are you?

Quattra, pointing to himself: Me? I'm Qua-

Tenchi: It's you! Me!! Now I must marry you!

Quattra: This is *sob* the happiest day of my life! *sob*

Ayeka and Ryoko come barreling out side after hearing the word marry and none of their names.

Ayeka and Ryoko: WHAT? Tenchi! Don't be fooled!!!

Meanwhile Duo, Trowa and Wufie put up mech fighting tournament posters all over town. Duo's posters are placed randomly on anything around him, such as telephone poles, walls, people's faces... Trowa, on the other hand, slips his share of posters under the wipers of parked cars. Wufie just grumbles about injustice and throws posters at frightened children.

Ranma Saotome was walking home from school that day when he saw the mech fighting tournament poster on some guys face.

Ranma: Hey a fighting contest! I'll win it for sure!

Akane: Um, Ranma, that's a tournament for _mechs_.

Ranma: Uh, sure yeah. How hard could it be?

Akane: If you say so.

Ranma, as they walk home: Say, what's a mech?

The day of the tournament arrives!!!

Announcer Guy: It's me, Fred Lou!

Announcer#2: And don't forget me, Mia Shininui!

Andy: You gotta be kiddin!

Mai: The first round will consist of Terry Bogart vs. Wing Zero!

Andy: Does he know what kind of tournament this is?

Mai: Nope! This should be interesting!

Fred: It looks like the opponents are entering the ring! *Zero fly's in and transforms from bird mode to a mobile suit, fans cheer*

Terry: What the hell is that? Oh well, as the saying goes, kick ass and don't look back!

Mia: Who says that?

Terry: I do- *gets stepped on by Zero*

Fred: And that's round 1! Winner...Heero!

Mai: The next round is Zero vs. Eva 01!

Eva 01 walks into the arena and pulls out an axe. Zero pulls out his beam saber and fly's toward Shinji, who blocks the attack, but gets knocked down.

Heero: Looks like I win again.

Shinji: I'm not worthy of piloting the Eva.

Heero: Have you met Wufie?

Shinji:...

Zero slices off 01's arm and shoots it's buster rifle at the crippled Eva. Shinji dodges and charges Zero.

Fred: Wow! Eva 01 isn't out of the fight yet! *Zero slices 01 in half* Wait, never mind. 

Mai: The next challenger is Zechs Marquise on the Tallgeese! *various fans go crazy*

Tallgeese lands and draws it's beam saber.

Zechs: To attain total pacifism one thing is required...

Noin: Uh, Zechs, we aren't fighting for peace...

Zechs: To attain this victory...* to himself* oh, I like that one... I must have a pure heart that can empathize with people. That's what gives me the right to this victory!

Heero, yawning: Are you done yet? 

Heero flies head long at Zechs, who does the same. They both slash at each other.

Heero: Victory is mi-- *Zero explodes*

Zechs: I won! I finally won!

Heero, falling to the ground: Death still hurts like hell!

Fred: And now for the half time show! We will get to witness a wedding!

Mai: That's right! Today Tenchi Masaki will wed Me Rebaba Winner!

Meanwhile a sneaky devil child is breaking into the infirmary.

Duo: Where's Heero...gots him a present! *holds up bottle of blonde hair dye*

Duo slinks over to Heero and pours the entire bottle on his head. Right about then Heero wakes up.

Heero: What? Hey Duo... What the hell is going on? Why is my hair wet? *looks in mirror* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! DUO YOU GODDAMNED BASTARD!!!

Duo: You look like Quattra!

Heero: YOU!! * starts to chase Duo*

Duo: Hey! Take it easy!

Heero chases Duo out into the main lobby where a certain groom is waiting for his beloved Me.

Tenchi: Me! There you are! Thank you Mr. for finding him!

Duo, Snickering: Sure thing pal! See ya later Hee- er, Me!

Tenchi drags Heero out into the arena down a long red carpet.

Fred: Such a lucky boy! 

Mai, A bit perturbed by that comment: Which one?

Fred: Both. *sighs*

Mai: Hel-loo! Beautiful girl in extremely skimpy ninja outfit sitting not but two feet from you!!

Fred: That's lovely.

Duo: Did someone say beautiful girls? I'm all game! * gets thwacked by Mai*

Duo: ooowwww

Back at the wedding...

Preacher: And do you, Me, take Tenchi to be your loftily wedded husband?

Heero: No.

Preacher: Then I now pronounce you husband and husband! You may now kiss the groom!

Tenchi attempts to kiss Heero, but Heero flings Tenchi over his shoulder and high-tails it away.

Quattra, running up: Sorry I'm late!

Tenchi: Me! Your back!

Quattra: I was never here....

Tenchi carries Qua-chan out of the arena.

Mai, with a tone of disgust: Well, now that _that's _over...Back to the tournament!

Fred: It's Tallgeese vs. Deathscythe! * Deathscythe walks into the arena and waves to the crowd*

Duo, on loud speaker: HEY THERE MY ADORING FANS!

Fans all hold up signs saying 'I love you Dou!' and 'Dou, I'm pregnant!'.

Zechs: Your arrogance is extremely annoying, as is your obvious lack of respect for those who are much greater than you could ever hope to aspire to be!

Duo, looking in dictionary: Uh, yeah, I'm _obligated _to fight you in a _chivalrous _manner!

Zechs: You impertinent fool! No one will talk me out of this transgression!

Duo: The God of Death has returned from hell! *Rhythm Emotion starts to play*

Zechs: What the hell? This music sucks! I will avenge my soul, by destroying the ones who blah blah blah- *starts long speech*

Meanwhile Duo runs over an slices Tallgeeses head off.

Duo: I WIN!!! I'M THE BEST!!! WHOOOOHOOOOO!! *Duo jumps out of the cockpit hatch and signs some autographs while posing with a bunch of chicks, all the while Rhythm Emotion is still playing*

Zechs, who has climbed out of the Tallgeese wreckage: Where is that music coming from?

Mia: We'll be right back to the fight after the commercials! *droops down and talks in an annoyed voice* This sucks! why do we have to have these gay commercials? They SUCK! Wha-? we're still on the air? Oops.... *Goes to commercial*

Zechs appears on the TV screen and smiles.

Zechs: I use Crust multi-care plaque fighting toothpaste why? Because it has all the whitening, gingivitis killing action I need to keep my traitorous smile nice and shiny. Buy Crust multi-care or I'll avenge the death of my country on your ass!

The next commercial starts. Heero is standing in front of a light post dully watching the cars go by when Akane walks up and stares at Heero's pants.

Heero: Nice pants Huh?

Akane: No, you spilt your coke all over them. And they're to tight for my taste.

Heero:......

Ayeka appears on the screen in front of a backdrop of Jurai.

Ayeka: Hello, I am the first royal princess of Jurai, and as you all know spring break is right around the corner...what will you do? Where will you go? The answer is Jurai! It has lovely beaches, beautiful forests.. Blah blah blah.... * babbles about Jurai*

As Ayeka is talking Ryoko teleports behind her and starts to make faces at her.

Ryoko: You suck Ayeka! Hahahahahahahaha! Tenchi loves me more!

Ayeka, ignoring Ryoko: And Jurai is much better than the planet that mummy woman comes from.... *smiles to herself as Kamadake and Azaka come up from behind Ryoko and put her in a force field*

Ryoko, muffled: I'll get you Ayeka! You better watch your back!! *Azaka and Kamadake throw Ryoko into the air* I'll get you, you little- * voice fades as she recedes in the distance* 

Commercials end and Mai reappears smiling.

Mai: Welcome back to the semi-finals! This round will consist of Deathscythe vs. the Eva 00 and 02 tag-team!

Fred: Deathscythe's partner will be Rick piloting the Valkerie!

Mai: The tension is so thick you could cut it with a spoon!

Deathscythe moon-walks into the arena and waves to the crowd, while Rick's Valkerie swoops in and transforms into Gerwalk mode. Eva 00 and 02 jump into the ring and pull out some extra large guns. 

Rick: I'll get you!

Asuka: It's that angel from before!

Rick: I know I'm saintly, but I'm not an angel....

02 jumps on Rick's Valkerie and shoots a chunk out of it's wing. 00 does nothing.

Rick: Blast you!

Asuka: BASTARD!!!

Asuka shoots her gun through the Valkerie's fuel tank. 

Rick: ....nuts....*Valkerie explodes*

Asuka and Rei turn to Deathscythe, Deathscythe stands still.

Asuka: Your move, braid boy!

Duo, inside cockpit: Snnnoooooorrrre!!

Asuka: WAKE UP YOU IDIOT!!!

Duo: Wha- uh, yeah *yawns* I'm comin...

Asuka and Rei charge Deathscythe. Duo whips out his beam scythe and slices 00 in half.

Duo: Ha! got your comrade!

Asuka: So? No one liked WonderGirl anyway.

Duo: Well then, looks like that helps my conscience! *swipes at Asuka, She dodges and draws the Lance of Longinus.

Asuka: I have the advantage!!!

Duo: Because you have a little toy spear?

Asuka: It's a lance!!

Duo: Spear!

Asuka: Lance! 

Spear!

Lance!

Spear!

Lance!

Mai: Well the tag team tournament has wound down to an argument of idiocy.

Fred: It appears Asuka is winning!

Asuka: You long haired moronic good for nothing bastard of a piece of shit!!!!

Duo: No!...must...not....give....in! YOU CHEAP UGLY WHORE!!!!

Asuka: NO!!! *02 collapses*

Duo: I win again!

Mai: AND THE ROUND GOES TO DUO!!! * Crowd goes insane and start chanting 'Duo, Duo, Duo, Duo!'

Fred: The hansom pilot is exiting his mobile suit to talk to his adoring fans!!

The next round will consist of Deathscythe vs.-

Mysterious person: I challenge you Deathscythe!

Mai: It's Ranma! He's challenging Duo!!

Duo: You gotta be kiddin me...

Ranma: Come on! DS # 2! FOX FU!!! * does some karate moves on Deathscythe's foot.*

Duo: Some people don't know when to quit.... *picks up Ranma and flicks him through the arena wall*

Mai: Anyway this next round will consist of Deathscythe vs. some mobile suit lookin' deal!

Patlabor pilot: IT'S A PATLABOR!!

Mai: Whatever...

Fred The match is about to begin!

Deathscythe and the anonymous Patlabor start to fight. 

Meanwhile in the locker rooms...

Tenchi, Kairaishi spell wearing off: Huh? Who are you? *Points to Quattra*

Quattra: I'm you wife! My name is Me!

Tenchi: AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Ayeka trudges in: Lord Tenchi, if you insist on marrying that girlie man then go right ahead, for I have found a new love!! * Ash walks in*

Ayeka: There he is now!

Ash: What? Um, who are you? *looks down at Ayeka hugging his midsection*

Ayeka: Why, I'm your fiance'!

Ash:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Elsewhere... Asuka is sitting and wondering.

Asuka: No one has ever beaten me before that guy! Do you think I'm weak?

PenPen:...........

Asuka: Anyway, he was cute ya know, and that's the only time anyone has survived my verbal beatings.

PenPen:..........................

Back at the match...

Deathscythe finishes kicking the Patlabor's ass, when Mia comes on the loud speaker.

Mai: Well ladies and gentlemen! That's the worlds first Mech Fighting Championship with Duo, piloting Deathscythe as the winner!!!! Wait! It looks like someone is walking into the arena! It looks like a kid with a hat!!

Ash: I challenge you! If I win I get a Tree Badge! 

Duo: Really...when will they learn?

Ash: Pikachu, I choose you!

Mai: HOLD IT!!!! * Deathscythe's blade comes within an inch of Ash's nose*

The Judges say you can't battle kid, sorry.

Ash: But that Terry creep got to fight!! * points to mangled corpse* and so did that Ranma guy! Why can't I?!

Mai: The Judges said so. *looks at Judges who are asleep*

Fred, whispering: Thanks again Mai, I just couldn't let such a cute guy get killed now could I?

Mai, grossed out: Never mind.... GO AHEAD AND FIGHT ASH!

Ash: YAY! Pikachu! I chose you! * Pikachu appears* Pikachu, thunder bolt attack!!

Pikachu: PIKA---CHUUUUUU!!! * Giant thunder bolt strikes Deathscythe*

Duo: Hey, I think I felt something...did a fly land on my head?

Misty: Hey, Pst! Ash! Gundanium doesn't conduct electricity!

Ash*sweat drops*: Oops...heh heh, well, see ya! *tries to run away.., but Deathscythe foot comes down on him*

Suddenly Deathscythe falls onto it's back. Ayeka is standing in front of Ash with her force field.

Ayeka: I will not allow you to harm Lord Ash! Ryo-oki! GO! * fluffy thing becomes giant pink bunny thingy*

Ayeka: I challenge you!

Duo: Sheesh! What's with all the challenges?

Ryo-oki attacks Deathscythe viciously before a large shadow appears in the arena.

Asuka: STOP RIGHT THERE ALIEN CHICK! NO ONE KILLS DUO BUT ME! GOT THAT!?

Ayeka: Bring it on!

Nine other white Evas appear. 

Asuka: I brought some friends, hope you don't mind!

Ayeka: Ha! What a pathetic display! Heart Snatchers! Go! * several villains come out of nowhere and attack the Evas.

Dou: Battling chicks! Alright!

Mai: It appears that this fight is out of control! There are dozens of mechs fighting in the arena!

Fred: The crowd seems to love it ! Look at 'em go!

About then all the other mechs decide now would be a good time to attack each other.

Mai: We have a giant Mech melee' goin on here! It's amazing!

Deathscythe slices several heart snatchers in half and moves in on a Patlabor.

Asuka finishes dicing up a Valkerie and command the other Evas to attack Ryo-oki.

Asuka: Forget about the others! It's the pink thing we want!

Ayeka sees the oncoming Evas and activates her 'secret weapon'.

Ayeka: Jigglypuff go!

A tiny little puff thing enters the arena and starts to sing.

Fred: Would you look at that! A secret Poke'Mon weapon!

Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff, Jiggly, Jigglypuff ! * All pilots fall asleep except Evas 05-13.

Asuka, yawning: You...fool, the...Evas,....have....dummy...plu..gs...ha...h...a.*yawns again*

One on coming Eva steps on poor Jiggly-thing and the music stops.

All mech pilots: Get Ayeka! She's the one made that marshmallow make us sleep!! 

Ayeka: Uh, oops...

A giant cloud of dust erupts from the dozen or so mechs all fighting Ryo-oki.

Mai: I don't believe it!! It's unbelievable!

Fred: You said that already....

The dust clears and Ryo-oki is the only mech left standing.

Mai and Fred:..............................

Ayeka: Well, it looks like I win!

Part of the spot lights from the roof fall and crush Ryo-oki.

Ayeka: Owwww! 

Mai: I saw that coming.

Fred: Hey look! Who's that guy on the rafters?

Heero holding saw: Sorry Ayeka, but I can't go letting a pink thing take home the trophy.

Mai: Well that's that.

Fred: Thank you for tuning in to the First Annual Mech Fighting Tournament.

Announcer guy: This show brought to you in part by Crust Multi-Care, Buy Crust or I'll avenge the death of my country on your ass.

*Author's note. There you have it. The first of three parts of the most messed up fic I've ever written!! Great huh? Well, feedback is sometimes welcomed at Mathis478@hotmail.com so feel free to flame me, send love letters, hate mail......you get the picture.


	2. The insanity continues

****

When Pigs Fly

Part two: The insanity continues......

The next day....

Quattra: Thank you again for letting us stay at your house Miss Chi-Chi.

Chi-Chi: Well, my lunk of a husband did destroy your house...

Goku: Gene destroyed it first!

Gene: Let's not play blame the guests here!

Jim: How embarrassing...

Wufie: Even though your weak onna's cooking is weak, her weak cooking is more edible than Yuy's weak onna's weak cooking.

Chi-Chi: Who ya callin weak pal!?

Wufie: You weak, but good cooking onna.

Duo: Now ya done it...

Chi-Chi: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU SEXIST BASTARD!!!

Goku: Calm down Chi-Chi, I'm sure he was only kidding...

Wufie: No I wasn't...

Goku: KAAAAAAAAAAMMMEEEEEEE...

Duo: I'm getting gone!

Quattra and everyone else in the house but Wufie and Goku: We is right behind ya!

Goku:HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMEEEEE!!!

Wufie: Your yelling does not frighten me!

Goku: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Wufie, who sees energy come at him:...injustice?.....

Goku's house explodes. In Tokyo, Ranma looks in the distance and sees a blue flash.

Goku: Whoops...

Wufie: Ouch...

Duo: Welp, I'm outta here! Bye!

Heero: Where is that baka going now?

Trowa: He said something about a date...

Quattra: I think he's going out with that Eva pilot.

Everyone: WHAT!?

Quattra: Yes, I think he means it this time.

Wufie: I think we should follow the bastard. He's fraternizing with the enemy!

Heero: Did Wufie just use a word other than injustice or weak?

Trowa: I can't be sure.

Quattra: Isn't that called eavesdropping?

Wufie, Trowa, and Heero tie Quattra up and throw him in the back of Heero's Lexus.

Wufie: Your not driving again are you Yuy? 

Trowa: Just try not to hit any girls with dogs...

Heero ignores them and slams the Lexus in reverse, nearly side swiping Jim in his hover car.

Jim: Watch were your going!!

Gene, drunk again: Yeah, watch your, uh, your, um...feet?

Heero whips out his Glock 19 and opens fire on the car, putting holes through the fender, the door and Gene's arm.

Gene: Mor...uh,...on?

A block or two later they spot Duo's blue Mustang Fastback stalled in front of a night club.

Trowa: This must be the place.

Wufie: He must've told her to meet him at the first place his car stalled.

Heero, loading his Glock: Lets rumble.

Trowa: We're not gonna kill him...

Wufie: Why not?

Trowa: Because he almost won the mech championship.

Wufie: What a stupid weak reason!!

Inside Duo talks with a familiar redhead...

Asuka: So, couldn't get enough of me, eh?

Duo: Hold on!! This date was your idea!

Asuka: Was not!

Was too!

Not!

Too!

Not!

Heero, hiding behind a table: They're meant for each other...

Trowa: They made two of them!

Wufie: WEAK!! NO GOOD BASTARDS! YOU SHOULD ALL ROT IN HELL!! THIS IS INJUSTICE!!

Everyone in the club stops dancing, they all look at Wufie.

Duo: Hey! Wu-man! You made it!

Asuka: Who are these creeps?

Heero: Omea o Korosu Asuka. *points gun*

Duo, slapping Heero on the back and making him fire a shot aimlessly: You three are just the guys this place needs! Come on, loosen up!

Trowa: Didn't Heero get laid the last time that happened?

Wufie: I refuse to get 'laid' with any of these weak onnas!!

Heero, remembering the getting laid part: Well, maybe we could stay a little while...

Quattra, Running up: Guy's we shouldn't be fighting-oops, I mean, what are you doing?

Duo: The gangs all here!! Now let's liven up this cracker house!

Heero: Crackers? Where?

Trowa: I think that's a slang word.

Wufie: Weak crackers!!!

About every white guy in the club beat Wufie to a Chinese pulp.

Duo, whispering to Asuka: C'mon, I'll get these losers drunk, then we'll hit the town! 

Asuka: You got it. Hey, Bartend! get these losers some hard whiskey!

Bartender: Uh, which one is that? is it this one? Yep! Oops! *bottle hits the floor and breaks* Silly me!

From Across the bar comes a very angry voice.

Voice: MIHOSHI!!!!!! 

Mihoshi: Uh, yes Kiyone? 

Kiyone: You idiot! Stop dropping the bottles!!

Mihoshi: Okay! Oops *another bottle breaks*

Duo, handing Heero a glass: Here ya go buddy! 

Heero drinks the contents in one gulp, then spits it out.

Heero: What is that shit!

Duo: Spiced rum.

Heero: Gimme some more!

Duo: No prob!

Wufie, recovering from his concussion: What weak fool beat me?! That fool will die a weak death from his injustice!!! *continues to rant and rave until stopped by a Chinese girl walking by.

Wufie: Tell me Maxwell, was that onna that just walked by hot?

Duo: Yup, go get her Wu-man.

Wufie: You won't tell anyone, will you?

Duo: Of course not.

Wufie runs after girl.

Duo: Next up, Winner! Hey Quattra! Try some of this, uh, apple juice.

Quattra: Is it safe?

Duo: Did I ever steer you wrong?

Quattra: Ye-

Duo: Don't answer that. *makes Quattra drink liquid*

Quattra: Ptuey! That tasted horrible! Why did you make me- * passes out*

Duo: Good ol' country vodka!

Asuka: Hey, Trowa.

Trowa: What.

Asuka: You know what women love?

Trowa: What?

Asuka, using sexy voice: A big man who can drink the most beer.

Trowa, starting to sweat: R-really?

Asuka, rubbing Trowa's back and generally seducing him: Yeah, so why don't you take your big hansom self over to the bar and order as much beer as you can drink, I'll be waiting....

Trowa, voice cracks: Ok-okay, I-I'll b-be right b-back.

Asuka: Well that worked

Duo: You got Trowa?

Asuka: He'll be drinkin' all night.

Duo: Good, let's high-tail it!

Asuka, in the parking lot: One question, your crappy-ass car broke down. How are we gonna get anywhere?

Duo, holding up a set of keys: Heero let me 'borrow' his Lexus.

Asuka: Your bad, just the way I like em'!

Meanwhile one of Tenchi's many fanatics pays him a visit.

Sokuya: Can't wait until I get to Tenchi's house!!

Little does she know another one of Tenchi's followers are visiting.

Miyuka: So Daddy, did you miss me?

Tenchi: Um, yeah?

Miyuka: I love you Daddy!

Tenchi: That's great...

Sokuya: Hi Tenchi!

Tenchi: Just what I need...

Sokuya: Who is this? *points to Miyuka*

Miyuka: I'm his daughter! 

Sokuya: Then, Tenchi, does this mean I'm the mother?

Ryoko and Ayeka: BEAT IT YOU HUSSY!!!

Sokuya: Oh, Tenchi! We have a daughter! What's your name?

Miyuka: Miyuka!

Sokuya: Such a pretty name!!

Ayeka: Excuse me Sokuya, but you couldn't possibly her mother, unless...you had a...a...re-relationship with him *cheek starts to twitch*

Sokuya: You didn't tell them about that one night did you Tenchi.

Tenchi: I don't know what your talking about!!

Around that time a woman in an outfit with a computer on the front crashes through the window.

Comp. Chick: Pure hearts!

Everyone: What?

Five shadows appear in the ruined window frame.

Five people: You dare steal the pure hearts of these fine country folks!? Now you must face The Sailor Scouts!

Comp. Chick: Pure hearts!

Ryoko: Pure heart or not, no one crashes through Tenchi's window in a get-up like that! Take this!! * fires laser beam through the heart snatchers stomach*

Heart snatcher: Ouchies! *dies*

Sailor Moon: Thank you, uh, what's your name?

Ryoko: It's Ryoko, space pirate.

Sailor Moon: Space pirate?! I will punish you!!

Ayeka: Go right ahead, send her to jail.

Sailor Moon: Super-duper-mega-cosmic-beauty-awesome-pretty-ultra-mascara-light-heart-magic-crystal--- *Ryoko blows her away too*.

Sailor Mercury: Illuminated aqua-*Ryoko shoots a beam through her head*

Sailor Jupiter: Sparkling white, but sometimes green, lightning pow- *the fourth to be massacred by Ryoko*

Sailor Mars: Red hot inferno- *Ryoko turns her torso into cinders*

Sailor Venus: Love ribbons ignite- *Ryoko summons her sword and slices the last sailor goon in half*

Ryoko: Now that _that's _over. Tenchi, let's go to your room...

Ayeka: I forbid it!

Ryoko: Shut your trap!

Tenchi: Oh, brother

Sokuya: So we should buy a house with white picket fences, and get a dog and-

Miyuka: I love you Daddy!

The arguing continues on throughout the night.

Back to Duo's date...

Girl voice: Oooohhh! Yes! More! More!

Guy's voice: Gimme some lovin'! Uhg!

Girl: OOOOOOOHHHHH!! Harder!!

Guy: Ugh, nuhmf Oh, you like that!?

Suddenly the door is flung open.

Another male voice: You! How could you sleep with that idiot!!

Girl: I love him!

Duo, to Asuka: Great movie huh?

Asuka: Too sappy, let's get outta here.

Dou and Asuka leave the empty theatre and walk to Heero's Lexus.

Duo: I wonder how the guy's are doing?

Asuka: Who cares! Let's go to my place.....

Duo, to himself: SCORE!

At the random night club....

Heero: Gimme another shot! 

Bartender: I think you've had enough.

Heero: I'll tell you when I've had enough *falls off stool*

Quattra: Hey, this shits pretty good! * Gulps down some more whiskey*

Trowa, to about five girls around him: So I tell the guy I wouldn't mind having his name!

Girls: Haha! Trowa you're sooo funny!

Trowa: You've got the wrong guy, I'm not Trowa!!

Girls: Then who are you?

Trowa: *snicker* I'm, uh, um....Trowa?

Girls: Hehehehe!

Wufie: You are weak!

Chinese girl: Say it again!

Wufie: You are weak!!

Girl: Ohh, your are sooo strong!

Wufie: Yes! and you are weak!!

Girl: Kiss me!

Wufie: Okay! *kiss kiss kiss kiss*

Guy, who bumped into Heero: 'Scuse me.

Heero: You, uh...challenge me?

Guy: No.

Heero: Um, die? * shoots around aimlessly and hears about a dozen screams*

Heero: Mission...uh, done?

Guy: Back off weirdo! 

Trowa, looks at Heero: This seems vaguely, uh...familiar?

Quattra: Hi there missy!

Big surly guy: Get away from me creep!

Quattra: ....nuts......

At Asuka's apartment....

Asuka: So braid boy...

Duo: Uh, what?

Asuka: Let me slip into something more comfortable....

Duo: Ooooohhh boooooy!! * starts to shake*

About then Hilde busts down the door.

Hilde: COME ON! YOUR LITTLE PLAYING DAYS ARE OVER!!!

Duo: Not now! I'm about to really score!!

Hilde: I'm warning you!!

Duo: Come on! Please! This chicks really hot!!

Hilde: NO! Come on! *drags Duo out by his braid*

Hilde drags Duo down the hall, all the while yelling at him for being a pervert.

Asuka, standing naked in the door way: Hey, where did he go?

Back at the night club.....

Wufie:.......weak......injustice....weak...

Girl: Wowee.... 

Trowa: Those who have laid eyes on a, a,.....thing, shall not live to tell about it.

Girls: You laid eyes on something of mine, teehehe....

Quattra, singing karaoke: Can you take me higher?! To the place with.....oh, shit...Forgot the words.

Heero: Hey there, vodka on the house!!

Mihoshi: That'll be 100,000 yen!

Heero: Uh, here you go! *hands her his Glock*

Mihoshi: Thank you come again!

Kiyone: MIIIIIHOOOOOOSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!

Mihoshi: What did I do wrong now?

Around 1:36 AM the phone rings at Starwind and Hawking Enterprises.

Jim: Hello Starwind and Hawking! How may we help you?

Caller: Yes, I need an assassin to take out one Hilde Schbieker. 

Jim: No problemo! That'll be 550 Wong!

Caller: Eh, what's a Wong?

Jim: Make that 2800 yen!

Caller: Right.

At some cheap motel......

Heero: Ugh, what time is it?

Girl: Uh, 9:30

Heero: What happened? Who are you?

Girl: I'm Minmay. Remember?

Heero: Not again....

At the Winner Mansion.......

Quattra: That's the last time Duo talks us into doing anything.

Trowa: I have a hangover that could put an elephant in a coma...

Wufie: Cheap booze made me do this!! 

Chinese girl: You don't love me?

Wufie: NO! You are a weak onna!

The door opens and Heero stumbles in followed by Minmay.

Heero: Hangovers?

Everyone: Yep.

Heero: Now can we kill Duo?

Everyone: Yep.

Duo walks down the stairs and waves.

Duo: Hey guys! Hope you all enjoyed you night of fun!

Trowa: You and Asuka have fun?

Duo, putting on a pouty face: No, Hilde ruined it again.

Wufie: Serves you right, weak person!

Trowa: Try not to yell, we all have headaches. 

Quattra: Come on guys....

Heero: Wufie, why don't you read this? *tosses Wufie a book*

Wufie: A dictionary?!

Heero: Now maybe you can use words other that injustice and weak.

Trowa: Like you have such a big vocabulary Mr. omea o korosu.

Heero, pulling out his Glock: Shut up!

Quattra: Guys we...

Wufie: Don't say it weakling boy!!

Trowa: Don't tell him what to do!!

Quattra: Now wouldn't be a good time to say....

Heero: Don't even think about it!

Quattra: We shouldn't....

Wufie: I'm warning you!!

Duo: Let it rip Winner boy!!

Heero: Say it and I'll blow your head off!

Trowa: Don't listen to that idiot!

Quattra: WE SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING!!!

Everyone stops arguing and looks at Quattra.

Minmay: You guys are weird. I'm leaving.

Hilde walks in the door and gives a hard stare at Minmay, then Heero.

Hilde: Does Releena know about this?

Heero: Not exactly...

Hilde: Anyway, I came here to bitch at you some, so here goes. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.

Voice: It's twilight, and it's time to end your life.

Hilde: You talkin' to me?

Voice: Yes.

Hilde: I don't think so!

A shadow appears in the hallway. Sazuka walks forward holding her bokken.

Sazuka: Now! I will strike you down!

Hilde, sweat drops: Uh, let me go, uh, get ready...*attempts to run away*

Sazuka jumps in front of her and swipes with her sword.

Sazuka is about to strike when the roof is ripped off and a green blade comes between her and Hilde.

Duo: Ha! Try and kill my Hilde? Not a chance!

Deathscythe picks Sazuka up by her robe and flings her away.

Duo: That's that.

Another voice: At last! I've tracked you down Hilde! I challenge you!

Hilde: Oy

Nagi jumps down from the balcony and draws her sword at Hilde.

Duo: Is it assassin day or what?

Nagi: What is that? * looks at Deathscythe*

Dou: He might run, he might hide, but he'll never tell a lie, Dou Maxwell!

Nagi: How humorous. Kanoki, come!

Kanoki: CHAAAAAOOOOOOOW!!!!

A little white fluffy thing turns into a giant spaceship.

Duo: Ack! What the hell!?

Nagi: Kanoki, attack!

Kanoki starts to shoot Deathscythe, doing little to no damage.

Dou: Haha! Your wussy little spaceship can't do a thing to Gundanium!

Nagi: Nuts........

Duo grabs Kanoki and throws it like a Frisbee into the distance. 

Nagi: That's not kosher....

Just as Duo's about to fling Nagi into the distance as well, Sazuka comes back.

Sazuka: Nagi! My old rival!

Nagi: Suzu! How good of you to come!

Sazuka: I wish you wouldn't call me that....

Nagi: I challenge you right here and now!

Duo: What's with all the challenging....

Just then another shadow appears.

Iria: Freeze! *points her baravadin at Hilde*

Duo: What? Is it assassin and bounty hunter day or somethin'?

Hilde: Why are they all after me?

Nagi, stops fighting Sazuka for a second: Someone paid us to kill you.

Sazuka: I'm sorry but I can't reveal my employers name.

Iria: Ha! Her name was Asuka.

Duo: Asuka? Come on! You can come up with a better lie than that.

Nagi: It's true, she said something about revenge and you stealing away her love, Hilde Schbieker!

Sazuka: Your time is up! It's twilight!

Duo: No it isn't.....

Sazuka: Shut up! I'll kill her anyway!

Hilde: No one kills me! *jumps in her Leo*

Sazuka, Nagi, and Aria: Uh, oh....

Hilde, aiming her beam rifle: Well then, who's killing who?

Duo: That's my girl!

Hilde: Shut up! I'm trying to threaten here!

Duo: Uhg..... 

Hilde: Now just go back to that whore Asuka and tell her I want to meet her in person!

Assassins just stand there.

Hilde: DO IT!

The trio of assassins grumble and walk away, leaving Quattra sobbing about his newly redecorated house, which was now minus the roof.

A week later.....

Mihoshi: Hello! Mail's here! *knocks on door of the Winner mansion*

Heero opening door: What do you want, it's 2:30 in the morning.

Mihoshi: Well, Kiyone said I should get up early to deliver all the mail so....

Kiyone: Mihoshi you damned idiot!!!

Mihoshi: Oops....

Kiyone: Give them their mail and get back to the apartment! *to Heero* Sorry to bother you!

Heero: Next time I'll take off your friend's head.

Kiyone: Would you please? It'd be doing everyone a favor....

Heero: I was making an idle threat....

Kiyone: Darn...

Later that morning....

Heero: Hilde, you have mail.

Hilde: I do? That's odd.

Duo: I bet it's from a secret admirer....

Wufie: But Duo, I thought you said you couldn't read or write?

Duo: I didn't send it!

Quattra: Open it up! The suspense is killing me!

Hilde: It's from the Lum show....

Quattra: That's a great show! last week there was this guy who was afraid of expressing his feelings, so they brought in a therapist and...

Wufie: Talk shows are for the *looks in dictionary* feeble!

Duo: Wow....

Heero: Did Wufie just....

Trowa: It's a miracle...

Wufie: Quit being *looks again* vulnerable!

Hilde: You guys are too much...

Wufie: An insult?! Inju- *looks once more* Unfairness!

Heero:.......

Trowa:.......

Duo:........

Quattra: I know how you feel Wufie.

Hilde: Uh, yeah.

Duo: Why did the Lum show send you a letter?

Hilde: It says Asuka invited me to appear on it next Friday....

Duo: I think she misunderstood you when you said you want to meet her face to face.

Hilde, putting away her dueling pistols: Darn, and I was all set for a noon showdown.

Wufie: For once I agree with your we- powerless onna's ways.

Trowa: Is it just me or is this getting old... 

Heero: She might be planning an ambush, better go prepared.

Hilde: You think? Maybe I shouldn't wear my good sweatshirt and beret....

Duo: What about your purple leotard?

Hilde: *SMACK*

Duo: Ooowwww...

Heero: You'll need something that will be suitable for a battle..

Hilde: No spandex!

Duo: Darn!

Heero: I was thinking a tan shirt and green pants, with maybe..

Hilde: A red scarf?

Heero: Exactly.

Hilde: Come to my room and we'll pick something out.

Duo: No one goes to Hilde's room but me!

Heero and Hilde leave anyway.

Meanwhile....

Asuka: You think the yellow sundress with red slippers?

PenPen: Wark, Wark!

Asuka: Yeah, the red one with flowers on it is much better! I'll win Duo's heat if it's the last thing I do!

PenPen:...............

*Author's ridiculous babbling. You like? No like? That's good. What will happen at the talk show? There'll be lots of swearing, shooting and mud n' bikinis! Promise! heh, heh.....


	3. When will it end?

When Pigs Fly

Part Three: When will it end?!

That Friday..............

Camera Guy: We're on in 5...4...3...2..action!

Lum: Welcome back to the Lum Show!

Audience applauds.

Lum: Our first guest is Asuka Langley Soryou! Come on out Asuka!

Asuka, walking onto the stage: Thank you Lum!

Lum: Asuka is in love with a very cute mobile suit pilot named Duo Maxwell.

Audience cheers.

Lum: The crowd knows! The pilot that _almost_ won the Mech Fighting Tournament!

Asuka: Yes, he's the only one to defeat me! and he's really cute!

Girls in audience: YEAH!!

Lum: Come on out Duo!

Duo strolls out onto the stage and waves. Asuka runs over and hugs him, Duo hugs back.

Hilde: From backstage: OOH! That dirty little hussy! Hugging Duo like that!

Trowa, holding her back: calm down, if I know Duo, he's doing it for the women out there. 

Wufie, also holding her back: Onna! Come to your senses! Getting emotional will cloud your judgment!

Heero, holding Hilde back too: Plus, if you run on stage now, Asuka will see your surprise counter-ambush gear!

Hilde, looking at herself in the mirror: You don't think we over-did it do you?

Heero: Is Zechs cool?

Hilde: No..'

Heero: There's your answer.

Back on stage.......

Lum: So Duo...Do you in fact love Asuka?

Duo: Of course, I love all the chicks out there *waves*.

Lum: But do you have a- you know- relationship with her?

Duo: Well...

Asuka: We almost did! No thanks to that over-controlling bitch Hilde..

Everyone hears a loud crash and some muffled screaming, and the words 'weak onna' repeated over and over again.

Lum: Speak of the devil... Hilde, come on out!

Audience starts to boo.

Hilde walks out, smiles, and draws a large machine gun from her pocket.

Hilde: DIE!! *starts to fire randomly*

Asuka: I knew it! * pulls out a caster*

Hilde: Uh.... *sweat drops*

Just then Goten and Trunks run out on stage in black outfits with 'security' written on the back and grab the two women and put them in their chairs.

Trunks: I'll take that Miss Langley.

Goten: Hand over your gun. *Hilde shoots Goten in the head several times* Ooooowwwweeeee!!! *wrestles gun from Hilde*

Lum, blinks: Uh, carrying on... Tell us Miss Schbieker, what did Asuka do to you?

Hilde: Well, first she seduced my Duo into almost sleeping with her, then after I foiled her plan, she hired not one, not two, but three assassins to kill me!

Asuka: And it would've worked had you not been so stubborn.

Hilde, sticking out her tongue: Thhhhhppptttt!!

Lum: Now our final guest.... Shinji Ikari.

Shinji slowly walks out on stage and plops into a chair.

Lum: Tell us Shinji, what did Asuka do to you?

Shinji mutters something.

Lum: Uh, can you speak up?

Shinji: I deserved to be called an idiot.

Lum:.........

Shinji: No one will understand.

Asuka: Quit being a loser you moron!

Lum:...Well, uh....Shinji, go away. We'll find another guest.

Shinji: See, I'm not worth it. * Eva-01 rips the roof off the studio and grabs Shinji, then runs away*

Lum, blinks again: Well, Uh Android 16, Come on out!

16 walks out on stage and sits in Shinji's chair.

16: Thank you Miss Lum.

Lum: Hehe, you flirt!

16:............

Lum: Now 16, what's your story?

16: I was killed by Cell twice.

Lum: No! Well, bring out Cell!

Cell fly's onstage.

Asuka: Uh, excuse me, but...WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH US!!!!!

Lum: I'm getting to that!

Hilde: This is boring, I thought I was gonna be kicking Asuka's butt!

Asuka: And vise-versa! 

Lum: Hold your horses! Now Cell, Why did you kill 16 twice?

Cell: Well, the first time I didn't really kill him, I just badly wounded him. The second time was because he was talking to Gohan about something that was bothering me.

Lum: I see. Well, both groups here have had their hearts broken and now I'll give them a chance to make amends-

Cell: My heart wasn't broken.

16: I don't have a heart, and it was my head Cell broke.

Asuka: Yeah, my heart's not really broken, but I sure am pissed.

Hilde: Yeah, and I think I'm gonna take out my anger on you!

Duo: I got the mud and bikini's!

Hilde and Asuka, glaring at Duo: Stay outta this!

Duo: ...nuts...

Cell: Well if that was all I'll be leaving *flies out the destroyed roof*

16: I must go bird-watching.

Lum, seeing Asuka and Hilde approach her: Well, times a wasting see you next week! *disappears*

Hilde: Well that was lame.

Asuka: I agree. Wanna go get salad ?

Hilde: Okay.

Duo: What about me?!

Hilde: Go home and watch TV are something.

Duo: But there's nothing good on!

Asuka: Too bad! 

While Hilde and Asuka were out having lunch, a shadow crept silently behind them.

Kuno crashes into some trash cans and runs into a car, causing the alarm to go off.

Hilde: You hear something?

Asuka: Must be the wind, or someone like Shinji following us to kidnap us.

Hilde: Your right the wind makes funny noises. Let's take a short cut down this dark alley!

Asuka: Good idea, that pervert Shinji won't find us here.

Kuno: They have fallen into my trap! Since I can have neither the Pig Tailed Girl or my dear Akane, I will steal myself two _new _ young girls!

Asuka and Hilde walk deeper into the alley.

Hilde: It's a dead end!

Asuka: We'll have to turn around. *turns around and sees Kuno standing in front of them* AAAAAAAAAAAA!!! It's that Kuno freak!

Hilde: Get him!

Kuno: Not so fast ladies. You think I have come ill-prepared! *holds out chloroform*

Now I have you!

Hilde: You think you can get close enough to use that?

Asuka: She's right. Three assassins couldn't kill her. Plus I'm the girlfriend of steel you know.

Kuno: You have a boyfriend?

Asuka: No, but I almost did. *looks at Hilde*

Kuno: Oh. LOOK AT THAT!! *points behind them*

Hilde/Asuka: What? *turn around*

Kuno, covering the girls mouth with chloroform: I have you now!

Asuka: Die...bas...t...ar...d.

Hilde: Snore.....snore.....snore...

Kuno: Haha, 'twas too easy. *carries Hilde and Asuka back to his house*

Later...........

Hilde: Wha-? What happened? I seem to remember being kidnapped by Kuno, but that's it.

From another room Hilde hears screaming and crying and beating.

Kuno, voice muffled through wall: You disrespect me? Do as your told!

Hilde hears more screaming, then the door opens and Kuno throws Asuka on the ground.

Kuno: Your next my pretty.

Asuka: He...is...-

Hilde: Save your breath. *to Kuno* What did you do to her?

Asuka: He...is...a...big dork! You raped me!

Kuno: I tried, you kept hitting me. *starts to weep*

Hilde: You're sick Kuno.

Kuno: It's a living. Now hurry up, let's go.

Hilde: No, you think I'm gonna go willingly? 

Kuno: I had hoped...

Just then a green light flashed through the room. A second later the roof is ripped off and Deathscythe appears standing above them.

Duo: Well, well, well. Someone trying to molest the two women I love? I don't think so.

Kuno....shit.....

Duo reaches down and grabs Kuno. Then he sets him in the mobile suits giant hand.

Ranma: You, Kuno, have gone to far!

Kuno:...more shit...

Ranma: DS#1 Tiger-fu! *kicks Kuno's ass into next year*

Kuno: Ouch.

Duo: My turn! *grabs Kuno by his empty head and starts to squeeze*

Kuno: Your...squeezing...my....brains....out!

Duo: That's the point. *Kuno's head implodes, sending brain-goo everywhere* 

Hilde: Your my hero!

Duo: I know...

Asuka, snuggling up to Ranma: Your kinda cute.

Ranma: Well, I, uh....

Duo picks up Hilde and sets her in Deathscythe's cockpit. Together they walk back to Quattra's mansion.

Hilde: You know, you didn't have to kill him.

Duo: He deserved it.

Asuka: So now what?

Ranma: Get a bagel?

Asuka: Okay.

Later.......

Duo: There's nothing to do!!!

Heero: Why don't you go do something with Hilde?

Duo: I already did....

Trowa: Go watch TV.

Duo: Nothing on.

Wufie: Why don't you get out of our face, we-*looks in his dictionary* Fragile boy!!

Quattra: Here's a rag and some wax go-

Duo: I already told you! I just got back from doing something with Hilde.

Quattra: Wash Deathscythe. *glares at Duo*

Duo: Fine, grumble, grumble.

Duo walks into the mobile suite garage to find Deathscythe gone. In it's place is a note.

Note: Dear braid boy, if you want to see your precious Gundam again, then pay me 1 billion dollars. You will never find me, as this letter is untraceable. Sincerely yours, Ryoga.

Duo: Who's Ryoga? Oh, well. I'll just have to kick his ass and then steal Deathscythe back!

From across the garage Ranma throws a brick. It hits Duo in the head.

Duo: Who the shit threw that?

Ranma: I did.

Duo: Why?

Ranma: I had to get your attention.

Duo, rubbing his head: You couldn't have yelled to me are something?

Ranma: I guess I could've, but throwing things is much more fun!

Duo: I guess....

Ranma: Anyway Ryoga is a martial arts fighter like me, but he's really strong. He'd beat you down in no time.

Duo: *yawns* So?

Ranma: The thing is, he's an idiot.

Duo, looking at note with misspelled words: I figured.

Ranma: You'll have to trick him into letting you take your robot from him.

Duo: No problem, just take me there.

Ranma: That's the problem, I don't know where he is.

Duo:.............so why tell me all this anyway?

Ranma: Asuka made me.

Duo: Ahhhhhh.

To be continued......

End Part 1 

* Author's continuous jibber jabber. In the next thrilling installment, Duo has to ravel to far off lands to find Ryoga and his beloved Deathscythe. But what do green aliens from Namek, the Galaxy Police, The Cat Cafe', and Dragon Balls have to do with anything? Find out later, when I feel like typing Book II!


End file.
